The Truth About Lies

I had never explored the activity of telling lies until I turned 30 years old. Up until that point I was totally honest and transparent and I worked hard to never step a foot out of line to be able to uphold that stance. Where had that value come from? It meant so much to me for so much of my life it must have been just something naturally in me, right? Well with the velocity at which that value has unravelled in recent times I now don't know what to believe about myself and my values. How can something that is so wrong have made me feel so free? Rebellion? From my parents, from my marriage? Am I being my true self when I'm keeping the truth just for myself and not for someone else? Or am I living a fake reality on unstable foundations with everything about to crash down around me at any time. Do I like the thrill of it? Never knowing what each day will bring because everything hangs in the balance. I have discovered that there is an element of exhaustion that comes with this lifestyle, much like how the stock market can just crash, and usually then the truth comes flooding out to everyone. Perhaps ultimately this is the only way to move forward, a way of cutting all the baggage of carrying the lies around every day. But when you tell the truth about your lies to other people your then recreating their reality as they knew it, controlling them and their belief of the past. Lies are about control and living in the past.

I think the truth about lies is much like the truth about drugs, do not do it in the first place, refuse to go anywhere near, because the minute you tell that first lie your opening up a new path, like a third dimension, and it will only ever suck you in further and further until your living in what feels like a totally different reality with no ability to find your way back, always beholden to that past moment in time, to that time when you first did it.

Another truth about lies is that it takes at least two people to lie, the liar and the receiver of the lies. This receiver is then either a victim of the liar's control by being oblivious to the fact that they are being lied to, or they join in with the lie and form an alliance and then the two of them are liars and the receivers are multiplied and the cycle continues and spreads like wild fire, usually involving all of the people closest to you. Then the lies multiply rapidly, to cover up the previous lies, and on and on. The two liars can think that they trust each other in their constructed 'reality' but in actual reality they can't, because they are liars. What if one wants to tell the truth and one doesn't? What if no one believes the truth because one of the liars has warped the real world enough to make their lies the truth that everyone wants to believe?

My truth about my lies is that I chose to explore something that I knew nothing about, dived into doing it willingly and naively and now only have myself to blame for the fact that I am totally lost about the truth of who I really am. Lying to myself and then to the people who I care about the most. And sorry is just not a big enough word to override it all no matter how much I wish it was.