I did something yesterday that I haven't done in a while, so long in fact that I can't remember the last time...I wrote in pencil. It was the first thing that came to hand as a thought crossed my mind that I wanted to jot down because I've been forgetting my thoughts as quickly as they arrive recently. The moment I used it and looked at what I had written it was like the world paused for a second and I said to myself, 'oh my gosh'; writing in pencil created a depth of meaning that I couldn't fully process, and still can't now. But here goes anyway, in no particular order:
As a child at school I only wrote in pencil, as we all did in the UK in the eighties (do they now or has it gone digital...? Which brings me to a later thought). I think the first paradox that becomes apparent is that a pencil is such a charged tool, it's use can literally change the world and yet it is so simple, a piece of wood with a strand of lead (or what ever it's non toxic counterpart is, which again is a whole new thought about a generation or two exposed to lead poisoning!). There aren't many non electrical tools out there that can be used by children to change their own world and can also be used by powerful leaders to change the entire world.
Then I started thinking about why, why use a pencil. My first answer was because it can easily be erased, wow, well that in itself lead to so many other thoughts. Childhood thoughts erased, learning processes erased, mistakes covered up as if they never happened to promote perfection. Did all this happen to me when I was 5 years old and I got my b's and d's mixed up? 'Rub is out and do it again'. I have some of my school books from when I was 5 to 16, I can see that small remark as it has manifested and grew into a total need for perfection. I swapped the pencil for a pen when I reached a predetermined age and right of passage (another thought appears about the connotations a pencil has with being too irresponsible to use a pen). But when that time came for me I continued to write everything out in pencil first then wrote over it in pen, to avoid making a mistake, because I didn't trust myself and my abilities and I didn't want to show my floors and I wanted to appear to be perfect. And up to this week I can now see that I have been metaphorically writing in pencil, then over again in pen, then erasing the pencil, over and over again as an attempt to do things how I deem them to be perfect, for as long as I can remember, and driving myself to exhaustion and exasperation in the process.
So what do I do now?
Well when writing with a pencil triggers a thought that spans the depth and width of the universe, seeing a plethora of ideas, connections and emotions all at once through your minds eye, it may seem difficult to move on, however life is for living and not getting wrapped up in ones' narcissistic thoughts for too long. And to be honest I mainly write in digital now, where the faint scars of the mistakes left by an erased pencil are 100% non existent. I can't decided whether this is a blessing or a curse, not only for myself but for everyone else in the world in establishing their identity, so for now I will keep the pencil to hand and I will continue on this pencil journey of discovery.
